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Sun

Shining Through the top of a Nearly Closed Window

I stand here on the edge of my life. What is the quote from Kierkegaard modified in the movie Dune: “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” Feels like I’m always trying to solve the problem of life and then, worst of all, trying to avoid solving the problem of life. If going out into the winter sunlight to walk, taking some photos, doing my bills or budget, responding to emails, literally solving problems presented in emails, constitutes solving the “problem of life” then me being in my office playing a video game or reading a short story that I find diverting definitely doesn’t sound like experiencing the reality of life. So.

the sun has passed the narrow opening and is behind some trees now

Flying through the night last night from Texas I dozed off in boredom, behind my mask on a flight with no inflight screens, no wifi, no electrical outlets to recharge a diminishing cell phone battery. And in the darkness I found various moments of connection with my kids, my son wanting me to watch him play a skiing video game. By the time my daughter pointed out that it seemed like we’d been flying low for hours it was almost time to land. I always wonder exactly which cities we’re flying over in that last half hour at night and I think I’m usually way off.

and I refuse to solve the problem of Sunday afternoon at the end of a week off…

Because that’s it, really. I remember going swimming with my wife on a day after a party and I was tired and felt cranky and just swam a little ways and then waited for her to finish. The Blue Angels flew over unexpectedly and I remember thinking about what I was posting on Facebook from the costume party. Now I feel so far away from that party, so far from that pool, here in my office alone. Back from a week of friends and their kids, extended family and their history. The sun has come out again…

In not solving the problem of today, I enjoy the heater on one side and the bright sunshine on the other. When the rush of the heater stops I enjoy the silence of a house where everyone is in their own corner or out on an errand. The silence of a house that will be filled with life later — a most beautiful silence. In not solving the problem of today I can feel the fear slowly welling up in me like lactic acid during a workout, the fear that I’m neglecting my work, my family and my chance to walk in the sun by sitting here longer at the desk. Let it build, perhaps it will eventually consume me and then I might sleep.

sleep perchance to dream of waking to a new world without the same pain

Not yet. I have more time to waste. I mean more time to treat life as an experience, not a problem. Thank God for that.