Feel Your Way to the Truth
You are what you feel after all
Went out and took some photos. Between then and now I’ve had doubts. Doubt that I’m a good photographer, that it matters. Been on walks and sat inside avoiding walks. Both ways doubting what I do matters, doubting my life is sustainable. Going out or not I fear my choices slip away…too many days, months, years going by amid this chaotic world…
none of this is sustainable anyway, as one day we die
Going out and not going out, taking photos and not taking photos. Feeling frustrated seeing the same places. One thing was missing, writing. In that I was doing one thing with a sure result: nothing.
Turning it around took sitting down and writing. As I wrote I felt more fear that my photos were pointless, and my writing. Enduring that fear was necessary — better than not writing — since it took me to fresh territory.
Still while I write my doubts torment me with the fear of failure. Others will critique me and my work. And this is as it should be: we share. Those who put themselves out, and those who criticize. We all have to put ourselves out there sometime and we all criticize ourselves and those around us all the time.
Depressing and self-pitying? Go ahead and indulge in the feelings you have at a given moment. So long as you stay engaged with the world and others. What more would the world want of me or anyone than feelings shared in a connectable way and with integrity?
what we need is neither cover-up nor conspiracy theories, but shared feelings
Of course it’s easy to say we should explore feelings. Yet in practice it’s easier to hide in trying to feel better — if only for a moment. Read the news, have a drink, check email, avoid doing whatever matters most. Think about a trip, think about the weekend, wish Covid was over and we could go out to a restaurant. Write to avoid work, work to avoid writing. Avoid actually feeling while trying to feel better.
wishing Covid over I’m sad
I wish Covid were over. I’m sad to be missing gym time and restaurants and family gatherings. With those back I’d feel other sadness, yet this sadness is now. This is the truth. Better to feel sad than to read negative politics and blame “bad people” — that would let others own my sadness.